*365.290 panic at the Worldwide Photo Walk*

Before the walk even started, I could feel it coming. I resisted the urge to back out, though, and I did make it through the whole walk and the lunch after, and I don’t think I came off too strange to other participants.

What follows is a text I sent to a very old and dear friend, with whom I’ve had little contact in many years. Why I picked her to vent to, I have no idea. I think because she’s one of the only humans I trust completely. Thank you, Orange.

I’m in Downtown Dallas, taking part in a global photowalk. 1000s of people around the world are walking and shooting today.

The Fear got me early on, and I separated from the group I was with. I had to buy a pack of cigarettes. Actually, two packs of cigarettes (shitty ones at the 7-11 that I left on the counter in the fancy tobacconist around the corner).*

I can’t believe how afraid I am, how wholly inadequate I feel.

Deep breaths, James.

Nothing will hurt me, but everyone can plainly see how broken and suspect I am.

2 hours, plus lunch with the group to go. I don’t know how I’m going to make it, but I have to keep going. I purposefully wandered far from the car.

If that sounds a bit crazy to you, it does to me too. And I’ve been home for 4 hours, but have yet to relax. I’m not shaking and having trouble breathing any longer, but I can feel the tension.

Anyway, after I sent the text, I decided to try to capture the deep anxiety I felt. I don’t know if this picture really conveys it, but it’s close. All the background elements are clearly distracting from the subject, much like the fear distracted me from the purpose and goals of the walk. The variety of colors and shapes, and the swirling movement seem to me to depict the various contradictory fears and doubts that take over when I panic like this.

Does the picture work as I hoped? I’m not sure. It seems to me that it could be read as a pretty painting or something. Either way, I believe much of art to lie in the reception of the work, and less in the intent of the ‘artist,’ though I know some critics and historians would disagree vehemently, so please take it however you like.

I’m proud of myself for sticking with the walk, and for going through the whole thing. My hope is that I can keep pushing myself and find a way to get over this fear, but I think I’ll be taking smaller steps for awhile.

D7000. Nikkor 50mm f/1.8G. ISO100, 1/640th (ap mode), f/1.8, -1EV. About 5 minutes of processing in Aperture to really bring out the terror.

*I smoked two fancy cigarettes and left the pack with a homeless gentleman who asked if I had one to spare. One? I had 18 for him: I don’t smoke.

Scott Kelby’s Worldwide Photowalk, 2012 edition

Move along. There’s not much worth seeing here. I had a rather severe attack of social anxiety and totally lost the will to shoot. Most of the pixels were tortured within an inch of their 1’s and 0’s to get even this poor showing.

I guess there may be a bit of beauty here, and perhaps even a laugh awaits (apologies to +Michael Wayne Walker, the fearless leader of our walk), but I’m rather disappointed with my efforts today.

Misters +Scott Kelby, +Matt Kloskowski and +RC Concepcion  would castigate me for presenting such drivel, were it sent as a portfolio to The Grid for review, and RC has been very vocal about his objections to looking at people’s 365 projects and collections of photos of this type (bad schlock by rank amateurs—not his words:I’m paraphrasing), so it’s a good thing I’ve already prefaced this with a warning, and have little interest in passing on any of these to The Grid.

And, by the way, remind me that I owe RC a jumping jack photo…

365.289 a beginning

Sometimes, the only way to begin is to walk away.

I hoped to have a happier beginning beginning this week, but it didn’t begin, it ended, and it ended before it even properly began.

I’m not particularly bothered about this particular state of affairs: I was not long invested in the project, and I found I was still capable of something, even after 7 years of total, willful, and absolute neglect. But there it was, despite my every attempt to keep it locked away in its box, and I think I was actually better in some ways, if exactly the same slightly mildewed in others.

So here I am, one last look back, showing some regret or disappointment, perhaps, and some longing (I hope), before I begin again from the beginning.

D7000. Nikkor 50mm f/1.8G. ISO100, 1/160th, f/1.8. SB-700, with its diffusion panel in place, at 1/128th power, fired into a shoot-through at camera left and triggered via a pair of Cactus v5 triggers; car windshield reflector, handheld, lower camera right. About 4 minutes of processing, mostly to minimize my jowls and double chin as much as possible (I could’ve done more, but didn’t care to).

 

Note: over on G+, I’m involved with the Weekly Photography Challenge. This week’s theme is ‘beginnings,’ hence the title and story, all of which is true, but not entirely: I left a bunch out, obviously.

365.287 mnomnomnoms

I did a bunch of processing on this, but like the original better.

There were sharper shots made of this pair of ________s (I know nothing about whatever these things are) made today, but none of them captured the melancholia I’m feeling in quite the same way as this one.

I don’t mind that the bugs are a bit soft, that the picture is underexposed, that the dynamic range isn’t all it could be.

I’m glad that I managed to take myself for a walk for the third day in a row. And I’m thankful I managed to click the shutter, because this is one of those days worth giving up on.

Something must be off in my diet or sleep schedule, but I don’t know what it could be. Maybe it’s the dreary day. Maybe its something else too personal to mention in this forum. I hope I can get back to even fairly soon, though, ’cause I’ve been bouncing back and forth for days and it’s wearing me out.

D7000. Nikon 75-150mm f/3.5 Zomb-E Series. ISO100, 1/125th (APmode), f/3.5, -1EV. A slight crop to remove some dead space on the left and top edge. Otherwise, this is straight out of Aperture’s RAW processing.

365.286 the light, oh my the light

Well, this not quite the exact same subject as can be found in yesterday’s photo… but it’s maybe 6 inches to the right of that one, and taken with the lens that proves broken can be beautiful: the Zomb-E Series.

(In case you’ve forgotten, or weren’t around yet, or are checking out random posts on the blog here, the Zomb-E is a Nikon 75-150mm f/3.5 E Series that had its traditional focusing movement broken in a fall, and now functions only in reverse, and is one of my go-to lenses for making pictures that I like to look at.)

Again, probably not a great photo, but I love the Zomb-E bokeh, the spherical focus zone, the very special, super soft CA, and the warmth and general peace I feel when I look at it.

D7000. Nikon 75-150mm f/3.5 Zomb-E Series. ISO400, 1/1600th (AP mode), f/3.5, -1EV. 1/2 stop of exposure added back, and no other processing in Aperture.

365.285 broken can be beautiful

I went over to momma’s for breakfast yesterday, and she handed off some camera gear that belonged to my Grandfather. A full Vivitar rig: 250/SI (with some mold in the eyepiece), Vivitar 50mm f/1.8 (Cosina-made, in the 30th week of 1975, or maybe 85, but everything else is from the mid 1970s, and it looks like a 70s lens), Montgomery Ward branded 28 f/2.8, JCPenny Diamatic branded 135mm f/2.8, and a Vivitar 2x teleconverter, plus a couple of weird-looking flashes with no settings, and a bunch of 49mm filters.

Since I have a 50 that I’m really happy with (the 1.8G Nikkor), and a fabulous 24mm f/2.8, I was particularly interested in the 135.

Slight problem: the lenses all feature an m42 screw mount. Luckily, so does the EL Nikkor 50mm, so I already had an adapter.

I took the 135 out briefly yesterday, with unsatisfactory results, and today I found out why: it’s broken. It focuses from ~8′ to about 30, but never reaches infinity, and you can unscrew and remove the front half of the lens.

I suppose the focus issue could be due to the retrofit, but the adapter adds negligible thickness to the mount.

In itself, this is not a big deal, for me. I probably wouldn’t want to use the lens for a tele anyway, given that I have the 70-210 Vivitar that absolutely rocks.

It’s the 8′ minimum focus distance that gets me.

However, if the Zomb-E series has taught me anything, broken can be beautiful.

Witness the nice background and very pleasant foreground blur here. The stems and flowers are between 6′ and 7.5′ away, and the bokeh on the group to the right is just my thing. I wish I could’ve gotten something in focus, but oh well.

D7000. JCPenny Diamatic 135mm f/2.8 (maybe Accura-made, maybe not). ISO400, 1/500th, f/2.8, -1EV. Very slight crop to bring the left edge to meet the branch on the left.